Shopping Lists
by Callisto Nicol
Summary: Sally and Relena send Wufei and Heero shopping, only they don't know what this one item is...


Author's Notes:  I read a story and it inspired me.  This is for my Quatre ML buddies who read it first.  (All the bishies are MINE!)

SDA (Standard Disclaimers Apply)

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Shopping Lists

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"Are we going to stand here all day or are we going to complete our assignment?" Wufei Chang demanded.  Heero Yuy tore his eyes off the sheet of paper he was holding and craned his neck so that he could look up at Wufei.  He never would have thought that the _Chinese_ boy would grow to be taller than he, but it had happened and it irked Heero.  Nevertheless, he couldn't be angered at his friend, his only lifeline to help him through the torture he was about to endure.  Training, his superior had called it, but Heero had thought himself done with training now that the war was over.

"I guess we should get started," Heero replied in his usual monotone.  "The sooner we accomplish this the sooner we can go home."

"We can't go home without accomplishing this," Wufei muttered.  Taking a giant stride forward, the Chinese boy led the way into the crowd, acting as self-confident as a woman.  Heero had to admire him.  Shopping for their women was no easy matter, but Wufei seemed to be able to take it all in stride.  He began to wonder if maybe Sally had put him through this training before.

Inspection of their lists proved that several things were needed by both parties, such as phones and CD players and cameras.  Electronics section it was, something both Heero and Wufei were comfortable with.  It didn't take them long to get what they needed, and soon were headed on their way to the plastic section to get plugs for the outlets to protect little fingers.  It wasn't too hard, and Heero began to think that maybe this shopping thing was easy after all.  He could handle doing errands for Relena if this was all it involved.

Next on their list were several food items.  Groceries.  Heading over to the food section, Heero almost felt like whistling.  He was a man, and food was almost second nature to him.  This would be as easy as electronics.  First food item he needed was pasta.  Wufei directed him to the pasta aisle, and Heero found himself facing thirty-thousand different kinds of pasta.  What did Relena want?  Elbow macaroni?  Spaghetti?  Angel-hair pasta?  Something completely different?  Not wanting to get his head chewed off, Heero grabbed one of everything.  Worse case scenario he'd have to eat pasta for three months.  

Wufei needed milk, so the two former pilots directed their shopping carts to the dairy cases.  Heero was surprised to see there was more than one kind of milk; white: skim, one percent, two percent, half and half, and whole; brown: chocolate; and red: strawberry.  Add to that there were different name brands.  He and Wufei shared a look.  "Well, that woman always drinks the red milk containers at work…maybe if I just grab a red gallon it'll be good…"  Heero shrugged.  He knew he couldn't tell the difference, so hopefully Sally wouldn't be able to either.  Wufei grabbed a red gallon and the two men continued on their assignment.  

A bushel of apples, three boxes of three different types of cheerios and ten different meat products later, the two men crossed off the groceries on their list and ventured out of the produce aisle.  

"Now I need tissues," Wufei said, looking over his list.  Upon arrival at the tissue aisle, the two men realized just how many different tissue choices there were.  "I always thought they were simply white squares used for the containment of snot," Wufei said.

"So did I," Heero replied.  "Does it matter how soft they are?"

"Just grab the cheapest box," Wufei said.  "Women are big on saving money."  Heero did just that, grabbing Sandpaper Extraordinaire, the cheapest box he could find.

"That takes care of my list," Wufei happily announced.  "What about you, Heero?  What do you have left to get?"

Heero stared in puzzlement at his list.  He had never heard of this next item before, and he could barely read it.  Showing it to Wufei, the two men tried to puzzle it out.  After five minutes of deciphering the foreign word, they decided either it was tampon or they were female.  "I have no idea what this is," Heero said.

"Me neither."  Now they were faced with the problem of discovering what this foreign word was.  They could call Relena, but doing that would be a sign on weakness on their part and Relena would never let them forget it.  Not only that, but since Relena was a woman, word would spread and before the night was over Hilde, Catherine, Dorothy, Midii, Lady Une, Sally and Noin would also know.  Not having an inkling as to what they were dealing with, Heero and Wufei weren't willing to risk the embarrassment.  So instead they did the only thing they could do and called Quatre.  If ever there was a responsible man who knew everything but would also keep his mouth shut, it was Quatre.  

"_Hello, Winner residence."_

"Quatre," Heero said in greeting, "Wufei and I are on a mission and we've run across a glitch.  An item we need to procure to ensure the success of our mission is unknown to us and we need you to help us discover what it is, its uses, and its importance."  

_"I'm here to help you out," Quatre replied._

"Acknowledged.  What the heck is a tampon?"

Silence.

Silence.

More silence.

Yet more silence.

"Quatre?"

Silence.

"Is he dead?" Wufei asked.  Always trust a pessimist to take the downside.  Although, quite frankly, Heero couldn't blame him.  He wondered if Quatre was still breathing as well.

"Quatre, are you there?"

"_Uhm…"_

"Do you or do you not know what a tampon is?" Heero demanded.

"_Heero, what exactly are you and Wufei doing?"_

"Shopping for Relena and Sally."   

"_…Have you tried calling Relena?  Or Sally?"_

"That's what we're trying to avoid, Quatre.  Please, if you know, it is imperative that we are informed.  Death looms over us should we fail in our assignment."

Several nervous coughs came from the other end.  Heero asked Quatre if he was sick.  Quatre quickly said yes and hung up.    "That was odd," Wufei commented.  "In any case, we are now faced with two options.  Call Trowa or call Duo."

Twenty seconds later Trowa's number was being dialed.  This time they turned on the speaker so they could both hear and speak.  

"_Hello."_

Wufei got right to the subject of the call, not bothering with greetings or explanatory words.  "What is a tampon?"

Silence.

Silence.

More silence.

Yet more— "Do you and Quatre plan these things?" Heero demanded.

_"Why do you want to know?" Trowa asked carefully._

"We're shopping for Relena and Sally," Wufei replied tersely.  

"_Well, a tampon is…a stick…yes, a stick…that girls use for, uh, torture methods…"_

Heero and Wufei exchanged looks.  Relena did not seem one who would indulge in torture.  "And?"

"_And, uh, it involves blood.  Lots and lots of blood."_

"Are you trying to tell me my wife is masochistic?" Heero growled.  "Or even sadistic?"

_"No.  If you want to know anything else call Duo."  A beep sounded, signifying Trowa had hung up on them._

Considering the fact that they were trying to avoid talking to Duo in any circumstance (for he did talk almost as much as a woman), Heero and Wufei opted on simply meandering the store in search of this unknown item.  Aisle after aisle they searched, ransacking everything in sight so they could find this stick thing.  

Heero couldn't help but wonder what Relena would need a stick for that involved torture and mass amounts of blood.  His precious wife was a pacifist and avoided blood at all costs.  As it was, she got tremendously upset when he went out on Preventer missions and came back injured in any manner.  She loathed and detested violence (unless she was using it on him) and would never condone torture.  

Thinking about it more, he remembered Relena's grievance with blood.  He had come home once, injured from a bullet wound, his arm bleeding profusely, and all she had been able to do was look away while he tended to himself.  Afterwards she held him and cradled him and cried over him, but while the blood was present she had run from the sight of him.  The only time she ever had anything to do with blood was when, once a month, she was force…

Trailing off in his thoughts, Heero suddenly felt very sick.  He knew what the stick thing was used for and where it would be found, if not what it was.  Dragging Wufei behind him he made his way to the feminine part of the store where things such as shampoo and soap and smelly stuff could be purchased.  Pushing past these things he headed to the very back where the Untouchables were kept.  He soon found himself face to face with the Untouchables.

Wufei, somewhere along the way, had gone from white to very red.  Heero was sure his own face was a mirror image of Wufei's.  Nevertheless, he had a mission to complete.  Closing his eyes, he reached his hand forth and was about to grab a package of the Untouchables when an unknown force stopped him.  Opening his cobalt blue eyes he found himself staring into Wufei's dark ones.  "Don't do it," Wufei said seriously.  "Once you've touched it, you're stained forever.  There's no going back to what you once were."

Heero nodded.  "I understand that, Wufei, and I am well aware of that, but if I don't…" He trailed off, not needing to finish his sentence.  Wufei of all people should understand a woman's wrath.  Had he not often incurred it from Sally?  Wufei nodded, releasing his grip on Heero's hand.  Reaching forward once more Heero quickly grabbed the Untouchables and threw it into his shopping cart like it was a viper.  

Giggling voices attracted his attention and he turned to see Hilde shopping with Catherine.  He did his very best not to appear ruffled by his experience as the girls caught sight of him and Wufei and what was in their cart.  He waited for their explosion of laugher and their embarrassing remarks. 

Here it came. Hilde opened her mouth.  "Heero, that is the sweetest thing I have ever seen."  Heero raised an eyebrow, the most surprise he'd show.  What?  Where were the embarrassing comments and the catcalls?  She was Duo's wife, after all.  And Catherine was Trowa's sister.

"I agree," said Catherine.  "It's not everyday you find a guy willing to buy your tampons."

Hilde sighed.  "I only wish I had Duo trained so effectively.  He'll do anything I ask but that."

Wufei and Heero exchanged amazed looks.  Women were about as predictable as the weather.  They pretty much did their own thing and you just hoped they didn't ruin your plans.

Quickly excusing themselves, the two ex-pilots made a beeline for the checkout counter and retreated from the store as quickly as possible.  They said their goodbyes and each headed home, Wufei to thank Sally profusely for never making him shop for her _feminine __necessities and Heero to beg Relena to never make him do it again._

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A/N: Let's take a vote real quick: Are Heero's eyes PRUSSIAN blue or COBALT blue?  I've used both (I think) and I see other author's use both.  So, what do you guys think?  If you'd vote in your review, I'd be muchly obliged!  Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it; I sure had fun writing it!  Now please review!  ~~Callisto


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